Quick question: what gift did you get for your last birthday? How about as a holiday gift last year? What if I ask the same question going back five, ten, or more years? Can you remember? While some gifts do stand out in our memories, many fade over time. I would be hard pressed to tell you what I received for Christmas when I was eight or nine. In contrast, if I ask you what you recall about the holiday season from your childhood, most of you will be able to provide an answer, typically regarding people, settings, and feelings. When it comes to the holidays, people (including you) remember the emotions, not the stuff.
By the third week in December, the population tends to divide into three groups:
- People who started shopping months ago, are finished, and have everything wrapped.
- People who are just starting to think about gifts, and plan to get started in a couple of days.
- People who do not exchange gifts at this time of year and are feeling fortunate to be avoiding the whole scene.
Shopping and buying are hard to get away from at this time of year. You want to show love to friends, family, hostesses, and coworkers, and yet you may also struggle with how to successfully navigate the gifting process. Over the years, I’ve written a number of posts to help people with the whole “gift” topic, including:
- Kids, Clutter, and Holiday Gifts
- I’ll Say It For You
- Minimalism & Gifts
- Where Should I Keep Gifts I’m Waiting to Give?
- The Gift I Hope Everyone Gives This Year
- Relieving The Wrapping Responsibility
- The Perfect Gift for Everyone
Giving a thoughtful gift can be a beautiful way to let someone know that you have been thinking about him or her. Likewise, receiving a beautiful gift makes us feel seen, known, and loved.
Still, I want to remind everyone that gifts – while potentially a big part of your holiday celebration – often have the briefest staying power of the various aspects of the season.
If it isn’t gifts, what do people remember? Based on completely non-scientific research, I’ve assembled the following list of things people regularly recall with fondness:
- The smell of the house during the holiday season.
- Time spent lounging around in pajamas all day.
- Uninterrupted time with loved ones.
- Enjoying a true break from work, not having to check messages or take calls.
- Watching a fire burn in the fireplace, snow fall, the annual tree lighting, etc.
- Visiting with family who have come from far away.
- Music and songs that signal the holiday season.
- Special foods and flavors.
- Family and community traditions.
- Holiday vacations and outings.
- Movies and TV shows rewatched each year.
- The excitement and anticipation of celebrations.
- Faith traditions and special services.
- Stories that are told over and over.
- “Catastrophes” that (in hindsight) are funny to relive.
- Memories of people we have loved and lost.
I’m sure there are many more.
The point of all of this is to remind you that having a wonderful holiday season really has very little to do with presents. Admittedly, in the moment, a child may be pleased or disappointed over a gift. However, in the long run, this memory will dim. Children are more likely to remember the emotions that were swirling during the celebration. Were the people around them happy? Did they feel loved and safe? Did the various activities have meaning that still resonates today?
External pressures make us think that we are somehow falling short if we don’t get the “perfect” gifts. This just isn’t true. Your presence matters more than your presents. Furthermore, stressing out over shopping and/or spending beyond your budget is unlikely to result in a joyful season.
While I’m not telling you to give up gift-giving, I am encouraging you to invest equally or more into your own well-being; do whatever you can to put yourself in a good mood. When we are calm and rested, we can bring gifts of laughter, patience, attention, and flexibility. We are more likely to roll with the punches and take mishaps in stride, all of which contribute to a pleasurable environment.
Of course, we can’t control everything. Bad things happen, and some years are simply sad or rough. However, the irony is that the holidays have the potential to offer light in these dark moments, and hope for better days ahead.
This year, my wish for you is that you will choose to stress less about all the holiday stuff, whether that be gifts, parties, decorating, or something else. Prioritize rest, hydration, nutrition, and even a few “time out” moments, however you can get them. Allow yourself to relax, be present, and enjoy whatever is good about the moment you are experiencing. In doing so, you will not only cheer up yourself and those around you, but you will create memories that will withstand the test of time.
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What memories stand out most for you as you reflect on holiday seasons of the past?
There are so many ways perfectionism enters into our holiday season emotions. There is a feeling of never having enough gifts, food, decorations and more. That emotion interferes with being present for our families and enjoying the season. It takes time and practice to let go of the emotion of perfectionism and comparison. It is a work in progress for many of us (wink wink)
All that work we invest on making things as close to perfect as we can get them, perhaps at the expense of making a nice memory because we were so stressed out during the preparation period. What a waste! Relax, be present, make the choices that will bring family memories the warm and fuzzies, not the magazine cover or Norman Rockwell painting, right?
Giving gifts can be stressful. Most memorable gifts are based on people and experiences rather than physical things, although I have received many fabulous physical gifts that I’ve loved and appreciated.
My husband gave me the best birthday gifts in November. It was a two-part gift. Part one was he arranged to have our kiddos home for the weekend. We hiked, played games, went go-cart racing, laughed, talked, and ate many meals together. I still feel warm and happy when I think about our time.
Part two is a special weekend away that Steve planned. We’re staying in the city, going to the ballet, having a special meal, and doing other fun things. I am grateful to have time for just us and that he planned everything. These are treasured gifts!
What wonderful and thoughtful gifts! Sounds like Steve really knows you and what you love. That is the best! Not only a wonderful time with your girls, but a fun day to look forward to with the two of you. He’s a keeper!!
I just see how crazed and stressed people can get trying to get the perfect gift, sometimes to the detriment of their spirit during the season. Instead, calm down, and remember to give loved ones that gift of your relaxed presence. Children love when their parents are in a good mood.
This is a beautiful reminder for all of us, Seana. My favorite Christmases are the ones when the entire family (I come from a very large extended family) gathered. We did things together and spent countless hours laughing, having meals together, and enjoying each others’ company. My mother was the one who organized these huge gatherings. We have all gathered a couple of times since she passed away. Maybe it’s time for me to step up and organize the next one of these events. The interesting thing about those Christmases is that we each brought 1 gift to exchange with the extended group. The gift needed to be something easy to transport and within a specified price range. It was never about the gift and always about family.
What a beautiful legacy your Mom left. Perhaps it is indeed time for you step into those shoes and be the organizer. Such a blessing to give your loved ones, and a wonderful way to honor her memory!
I love that idea of everyone bringing one gift. So much simpler. We do a “night before Christmas” present pass with the same idea. We pass our gift to the person on the left every time the word “and” appears in the reading of A Visit From St. Nicholas (aka The Night Before Christmas).
I love your opening question. It puts the importance of the “perfect gift” in perspective. I rarely remember what people gave me. I do, however, remember if someone gave me a gift.
That really brings home the old adage “It is the thought that counts.” It means a lot to be thought of, and we can communicate that in so many ways. One way is by bringing ourselves fully to the moment, and then listening and loving with our full hearts.
I agree with you. Over the years the presents mean a lot less than the presence. Both my family and my husband’s family have curtailed gifts and things are so much less stressful. We get together and enjoy each other’s company!
I have been thinking a lot about how to curtail the gift thing. We’ve made good progress with one half of the family, but not the other. I think we need to have a conversation when we are not in the heat the season. I also want to be mindful of those for whom gift giving is their primary love language. I don’t want to squash anyone’s joy, just simplify.
As an adult Christmas has always been about family. As a young adult our family always gathered at my mom’s house for the holiday. I loved how we all came together and enjoyed the family traditions and rituals. After my mother died our family continued to get together for the holidays – each year at a different sibling’s home. Eventually our families grew away from that as children grew and started their own family traditions. But still this Christmas one of my sons will spend Christmas eve and Christmas day with me and I will have contact with my other son and his family as well as my siblings via phone calls and Facetime. I am fortunate to have such a family.
Family definitely is so important to us as well. It’s different as the various families grow up, right? Hard to get everyone together. If my family is ever all together, I quick take a photo! It doesn’t happen often. And the married children split their holiday time between families. I remember that this isn’t easy, so I never want to pressure my kids to come here. And hey, if they can’t be here on Christmas, we can celebrate on another day. The goal is to make the experience positive and happy, not stressful!
I fall between the second and third bullets. I don’t exchange many gifts, and they are small and for adults, so that sense of wonderment in the recipient (and anticipation for me) is pretty muted. But I remember the glee of looking forward to gifts as a child, and the glee of the responses of others when I was a younger adult. (I still remember the absolute joy I felt when I found the perfect heather grey wool sweater for my first boyfriend for our first holiday season. It wasn’t the gift, but yes, the emotion of this “first-first” that I remember 40 years later!)
“The smell of the house during the holiday season.” — Yes! My family only does Thanksgiving together, and the years where (due to illness, COVID, etc.) my mom couldn’t come, my sister and I had pared-down meals, with far less cooking, and the house didn’t have that “smells like Thanksgiving!” sensory experience when I came down the stairs.
Perhaps because I didn’t grow up celebrating Christmas, and because most of the Hanukkah activities are child-centric, I never felt pressured to create a “perfect” holiday. It’s a relief to be able to be present instead of worried at a time when so many people are frazzled. Excellent points, all around!
Sounds like you have wonderful memories and are enjoying the holiday without much stress. That’s so wonderful! You can be a “voice of calm” for your clients and friends who are feeling overwhelmed.
I think I mostly remember the times when everyone was in a good mood, healthy, and just hanging out together. So simple, and yet, so powerful!
Great read. I have definitely changed my line of thinking after becoming an organizer about Christmas and giftgiving.. I find giftgiving to be just so stressful and when I do give gifts, I try to be conscientious about making sure it’s something that the person needs more than something. That’s just going to add clutter to their home.
My family has become very aware of the years of my career that I’m not looking for things to clutter up my space. Consumable gifts are always good:)