The holiday season can feel like a part-time job layered on top of your already full life. And nothing will deplete your family’s festive spirit faster than someone who’s stressed and frazzled. While we can’t eliminate every holiday pressure, there are ways to ease the tension and protect your joy.
The Contagion of Chaos
When someone we love is rushing, distracted, and impatient, it becomes nearly impossible to enjoy meaningful time together—exactly the opposite of what we hope for during the holidays.
This came up recently with a client who felt behind on decorating. When I asked why it mattered so much she said, “Because I want my kids to enjoy the magic of the holiday season.” We chatted about this goal and considered whether her kids would be happier to have a perfectly decorated home or a mom who was more relaxed and focused on them. Can you guess our answer?
How many jokes have I seen online about parents struggling to move the Elf on the Shelf around at the last second If you love this tradition, enjoy it wholeheartedly. Just remember that traditions are meant to be enjoyed, not “endured” at great cost simply because others are doing it.
When we pour all our energy into checking every holiday box, we’re left with almost no bandwidth to enjoy the season. Have you ever found yourself up at 2 a.m., wrapping gifts because you said yes to too many things—only to feel too tired to enjoy the fun the next day?
Furthermore, in addition to spoiling our own season, we run the risk of spreading our mood to those in our sphere, resulting in:
- People around us feeling the need to “walk on eggshells” to avoid upsetting us.
- Activities that should be fun feeling rushed or unpleasant.
- Children and spouses internalizing our stress, potentially believing that they are the cause of our distress.
- Missing out on the fruits of our labor because we are sick or exhausted.
How to Avoid the Frazzle
So how do we avoid getting frazzled? It isn’t easy, but there are some strategies we can try.
Decide What You Want Most
Not everyone wants the same things during the holiday season. Some people just want to be at home, alone, in their pajamas. Others like to get dressed up and enjoy parties. Many like to cook, bake, craft, or listen to music. Parents often want kids to have a fun, positive experience full of wonderful memories.
The reality is that most people cannot achieve every holiday ideal every year. The list of possibilities is just too long.
When I work with clients organizing a space, we talk about the importance of beginning with decluttering. Why? For a couple of reasons:
- Organizing less is just easier than organizing more.
- We don’t want to waste time organizing what we could be shedding.
- Decluttering decisions help sharpen the focus on what matters most.
Decluttering your schedule works the same way: it creates breathing room for the parts of the season that matter most.
I’m not trying to oversimplify; some things truly are “mandatory.” Even so, I encourage you to be brutal in identifying tasks and commitments that can be dropped this year.
Reconsider Your Approach
Once you’ve identified what matters most, the next step is to examine how you approach the season.
In general, we do things the way our parents did them. This tendency can work for us or against us, depending on what was modeled. Plus, given the way life has changed over the past twenty years, approaches that our parents or grandparents took may no longer serve us well.
Taking advantage of holiday time savers is wise, not a “cheat.” Maybe your grandmother baked five kinds of cookies, but that doesn’t mean you need to do that in order for your holiday to be complete or “right.” This year, I decided that instead of spending all day in the kitchen, I’m going to buy a bunch of frozen appetizers to heat and serve so I can relax on the couch with my family. It’s not the full turkey meal my mom made, but I think it will be fun.
Celebrate Your Wins
A couple of years ago I wrote a post about “holiday productivity.” If you haven’t read it, I hope you will click over. The point is to intentionally notice and celebrate what you are doing, instead of focusing on where you feel you are falling short. Much of what I see friends, family, and clients doing at this time of year is beautiful and loving, and yet so often goes unacknowledged.
- Are you hosting a holiday party or fundraiser?
- Do you volunteer?
- Do you provide care for someone in need?
- Did you run twelve loads of laundry this week?
- Did you work overtime to cover for a coworker who called out?
These are examples of selfless acts of service, the cost of which may go unnoticed, but show the true spirit of the holidays. Good for you!
Block Out the Noise
We say it all the time, “comparison is the thief of joy.” We’re wired to compare ourselves to others, but 24/7 media turns that instinct into something harmful. It feeds us “holiday lies”—subtle messages that we’re not doing enough, buying enough, or being enough.
While we can’t stifle the messaging, we can make the choice to avoid it as much as possible. Turn off the TV. Put down the phone. Get off the internet. Limit your intake of the news.
Instead, flood your environment with things that make you happy. Light a candle, sip a favorite beverage, put on music you love, wear something soft, walk in the snow, put on your heated seat in the car. The goal is to crowd out those damaging messages. Remember: you don’t have to earn holiday joy!
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What about you? Are you feeling frazzled this year—or can you remember a season when you were? What small changes help you reclaim some peace and joy during the holidays?
For me one of the most valuable sayings at this time of year is “manage your expectations.” This year everyone is at a different emotional spot. It’s impossible for you to manage their emotions.
I’m so thrilled you wrote this post for all of our benefit.
Overinflated expectations can lead to a lot of disappointment, even in the midst of a day full of good things. Such a great point, Ellen!
What a beautiful, compassionate message for the holiday season. So many great takeaways like don’t compare, pay attention to what’s truly important, let go of what no longer makes sense, and so much more.
I like what you said about not having to do the same thing every year. While some traditions may stay in place, it’s worth revisiting ones that no longer bring you joy, stress you out, or aren’t possible at this point. The last few years, we’ve changed a few things, and it’s taken so much pressure off of us.
While we’ve said “yes” to a few invites, we’re keeping things a bit quieter this season. It’s what we need, and we’re honoring that. Plus, without being overscheduled, it gives us the space to say “yes” to some impromptu events if we feel like going.
So agree, Linda. This year, no one will be coming to my house and sleeping over. So, I decided not to decorate my upstairs (where the bedrooms are). Yes, I enjoy it when it is done, but this year I more enjoyed not having to set it up. Each year is different, and it’s great to focus on the good of the moment, not on what I left out.
This is so true.
I’ve been writing small posts this month about wrapping as you go (instead of waiting until the 11th hour to wrap everything).
Writing a few cards each day and meeting with the family to pick the activities in which to participate. Less is decidedly more.
We want to enjoy and celebrate this beautiful season – not rush from one thing to another, just to check off that box.
Fabulous post and one that you could repost every year.
I love that idea of doing a little each day, instead of feeling like you need to sit down and tackle the entire stack of gifts or write all the cards. I take this type of approach in my own life with many things. I find it easier to begin when I know I won’t have to be “at it” for a long time!
At my house for the last decade at least it seems like every Christmas is different. This year I am blessed in that my son, daughter-in-law and the 2 grands are going to be in my vicinity for a week. They have to split their time around two extended families. For me, the most important thing is for everyone to be clear on their expectations. Communication is so important. I want to spend my energy on what will make our time together joyful and stress free.
Ah, I’m so glad they will be nearby. I do think as we age, the holiday season does tend to become less predictable. We flex to be with family when they are available, perhaps celebrating on odd days or at odd times. In the end, it is that communication and togetherness that make the holiday sweet, not rigidly adhering to past experiences or timetables. 🙂
This really resonated—especially the question about whether kids want a perfectly decorated house or a relaxed mom who’s present. That cuts through so much holiday pressure.
I love the idea of decluttering your schedule the same way we declutter spaces. Organizing less is easier than organizing more. I’m definitely using that with clients drowning in December commitments.
And the frozen appetizers? Perfect. That’s exactly the kind of choice that makes the season actually enjoyable.
Thanks for the reminder that we don’t have to earn holiday joy.
Maybe I’ll start a trend with the frozen appetizers? I’ll have to see how it goes and maybe repeat it next year. 🙂
First, what a fabulous infographic! Second, I suspect that after the first day or so, kids (and lots of grownups) don’t notice the decorations. A little bit of sparkle goes a long way, but everything — that new shopping center at the side of the road, the “new car” smell, even the strangeness of a new home or new job — fades after a while. I believe kids remember happy activities (and happy parents) much more than decorations or (gasp!) gifts. So I’m right with you!
You say “be brutal” — I call this “not inviting Ruth to come over.” In other words, be ruthless! Jettison what doesn’t give you the warm fuzzies (or keep you employed and out of jail) and then slowly, if you want, add things back in.
I feel lucky that I was brought up in a home that didn’t subscribe to doing ALL THE THINGS. The focus was on good food (oh, how I wish Paper Mommy lived closer so I could have those latkes now!) and good times together. Everything else was enjoyed if it was there, but not missed if it wasn’t.
I’m going to quote you: “you don’t have to earn holiday joy!” Indeed!
Oh, I can smell Paper Mommy’s latkes from here… love those so much!
Totally laughing about not inviting Ruth to come over – memorable phrase to sum up this idea. Your point is so good: if you drop something and really miss it, you can always add it back in. I completely agree that what kids want most is for their parents to be happy and present with them in the moment. These are the real “warm fuzzies!”
You asked, “Have you ever found yourself up at 2 a.m., wrapping gifts because you said yes to too many things—only to feel too tired to enjoy the fun the next day?”
Yes, but it only happened once. I learned my lesson!
It’s no fun, right? Steals the joy from the next day! You are smart to say “never again.”
I love this message! It really put into words how stress can take the joy right out of the season. It’s such a great reminder to simplify and focus on what truly matters this time of year.