“I should be able to handle this.” Many people whisper this to themselves while staring at a messy house, an overwhelming to-do list, or a task they can’t seem to start. When that thought repeats often enough, it turns into something heavier: shame. Feelings of inadequacy can make any endeavor feel even harder, particularly if you feel ashamed and repeatedly tell yourself that you are incapable of succeeding. No one should be ashamed of needing guidance and/or assistance. Let’s consider how to overcome the lies of shame.
Shame is a Liar
If we could pick apart the message of shame, we would find that at its core, shame twists truths into lies. Shame distorts a true situation into one that assigns blame, usually to someone who is already having a hard time. The phrase, “You should be ashamed of yourself” hangs in the air like a dark raincloud, making us feel incompetent and unworthy.
Here are a few examples of how shame twists the truth into lies:
Truth: I’m having trouble keeping my house organized.
Shame: You are a poor housekeeper and should be embarrassed by the mess.
Truth: My to-do list feels overwhelming and I don’t know where to begin.
Shame: You should be able to take care of your tasks like everyone else. Just do it.
Truth: I am exhausted.
Shame: You are lazy.
Do you see the pattern? Shame is like a devilish voice that tells us we should be doing better. Honestly, this thought is neither helpful nor relevant. If we need help, we need help, regardless of what other people think or are doing.
Help can take many forms:
- Someone to watch the children for the weekend so we can get things done without constant interruption.
- The guidance of a coach to help us set priorities.
- Expert direction for handling our particular situation.
- Resources for improving our spaces and/or systems.
- Financial support to be able to access the resources that we need.
- Willingness of family members to convene, make a plan, and follow through with household chores.
- Therapy to help us process and break free from unhealthy patterns.
- Medication that helps us operate in as healthy a way as possible.
Help does not look like someone lecturing us, complaining, guilt-tripping us, or simply handing us a self-help book.
Furthermore, shame can be a catch-22. By convincing us that we should be embarrassed, shame leads us to “hide” our situation. We put on a good public face and pretend like everything is fine, while inwardly we are suffering.
Shame Is Situational
One strange aspect of shame is how imbalanced it is. Have you noticed this? It tends to target some people and situations more than others.
For instance, I’ve never heard someone say, “I’m so ashamed that I don’t know how to upgrade the wiring in my home” or “I should be able to cut my own hair.” But I frequently hear people say, “I’m so embarrassed that I can’t organize my house,” and “I should be able to just focus and get this done.”
Society has somehow decided which shortcomings are acceptable and which are considered worthy of shame. I imagine these expectations have evolved over time. There probably was a time when a man was ashamed of not being able to shoe his own horse, but for most people, that is no longer necessary.
Regardless of societal expectations, needing help is nothing to be ashamed of. It is a wise acknowledgement of personal limitations and a desire to move forward as efficiently as possible.
Strategies to Resist Shame
To resist shame we need to silence, rather than believe, the lies. If you are struggling with shame—whether about the state of your home or anything else—you can prevail. Here are five steps to practice.
#1 Call out lies for what they are.
No matter how bad things are, you are neither worthless nor beyond help. Stop these thoughts when they first emerge by saying, “That is shame talking. This is not truth.”
I remember a story about a child who once asked his mom why Darth Vader turned to the dark side. She answered, “Because he believed a lie.” Once Darth Vader bought into the lie that the Dark Side was better, he moved further and further from who he was meant to be. Believing lies will never help us achieve sustainable goals.
#2 Restate lies with truth.
Lies are usually just twists of the truth. As with the examples above, the real situation is probably an alternate version of the lie. For instance,
- You aren’t a failure; you lack necessary skills.
- You don’t need to “just get it together”; you need someone to help hold you accountable.
- You aren’t lazy; you have anxiety about making a mistake.
Restating doesn’t mean pretending that everything is fine when it isn’t. Rather, it requires that you clearly and honestly define the situation and your limitations.
#3 Reach out for help.
This may feel like the hardest step. When we reach out, we share our “secret” with someone else. This feels vulnerable and risky. The good news is that this step is also the most empowering. Many new clients have told me how much better they felt after just our initial consultation. There is relief in not having to carry a burden alone. There is comfort in knowing you don’t have to figure it out by yourself.
When figuring out who to share with, look for people who are:
- Objective – they are not personally involved and can provide a fresh perspective.
- Non-judgmental – you don’t need someone who has a history of making you feel bad or undermining your efforts.
- Qualified – they have experience in helping people in your particular situation.
- Focused on your well-being – you want someone who will respect your beliefs and be committed to helping you achieve your priorities.
Since I am a professional organizer and productivity expert, I can share some resources for anyone seeking support in these disciplines:
- National Association for Productivity and Organizing Professionals (NAPO) and its various local chapters.
- Faithful Organizers
- The Photo Managers
- Institute for Challenging Disorganization (ICD)
- National Association of Senior & Specialty Move Managers (NASMM)
- Aging Life Care Association (ALCA)
Of course, I am always available if you need help. I offer free consultations and virtual services, so don’t hesitate to reach out!
#4 Expect to stumble and make a plan for when you do.
One consequence of shame is that whenever we stumble, we view it as proof that we cannot succeed and should be ashamed. This isn’t true at all. The path toward a goal is always twisty, and we should expect some rough moments.
When you fall short, respond to yourself the way you would to a dear friend who messed up: with kindness, not contempt. Worthwhile endeavors are usually a series of trial and error. When something doesn’t work out, regroup and try another approach. If you fall off the wagon, climb back on. If you broke the wagon in your fall, either fix it or get a new wagon.
The key is to make the commitment and keep showing up. Some days you will be more energized than others. It doesn’t matter, as long as you try. Remember, you are more than your worst moment. Healing comes not from being perfect, but from refusing to let lies define you.
#5 Keep your eyes on your own road.
No two journeys are alike. Shame feeds on comparison.
Sometimes my clients express discouragement about “how bad they are” at organizing or executive functioning. I understand that seeing others work efficiently on these kinds of tasks can make people feel worse about themselves. However, I always point out that they have many gifts that others do not. I often marvel at the skills, talents, knowledge, wisdom, and abilities my clients have.
For multiple reasons, comparing yourself (or your house, or your job, or your family, etc.) to someone else’s is a bad idea. For example:
You are only seeing other peoples’ highlight reel.
What people post on social media typically reflects the best parts of their lives. This isn’t wrong, it’s just incomplete. Everybody has something they would rather the world not see.
Life goes through seasons of ups and downs.
Comparing your season of struggle to someone else’s season of strength is rarely helpful.
What matters to one person might not matter to you.
People have different priorities. When you compare yourself to someone who has different priorities, you might be tempted to think you are failing. This isn’t the case, it just means you value other things.
Much of what you see has been staged or is completely false.
This isn’t a new phenomenon, but the onslaught of AI has made it hard to tell what is real and what isn’t. So if your pantry doesn’t look like the one you saw on TikTok, this might be because that one has been set up for a photo shoot or maybe doesn’t even exist.
The “right” way to do things is constantly changing.
Just when you think you’ve figured out how to do something, along comes a public voice to tell you that there is a better way. This is fashion, and often a poorly disguised sales pitch. If your systems are working for you, tune out the “latest and greatest.” If they are not working for you, focus on figuring out what does work, and then stick with it. You don’t need the latest app or tool just because influencers are talking about it.
What others do is irrelevant.
At the end of the day, how someone else is living is not relevant to how you live. Each person has different finances, circumstances, challenges, and goals. Life is not a competitive sport. If you are unhappy with your life, you have both the opportunity and the responsibility to change it. Not because you are ashamed or worried about what others think, but because you have the right to live the best life you can.
* * *
Shame says, “I am wrong—there’s no hope.” This is a lie. As long as you are alive, there is always hope. It takes mindful resistance, but it is worth the effort.
What lie of shame has challenged you lately? I’m cheering you on!
What a powerful blog! So many clients that come to us are feeling shame.
I hear statements like “This isn’t rocket science, I should be able to do this.”, or “My mother would roll over in her grave if she knew I was paying someone to help me with this.”
I like that you point out that asking for or needing help is not shameful. People aren’t ashamed to hire a landscaper or even a housecleaner. But somehow needing help getting organized feels shameful.
I also like your comment, “No two journeys are alike. Shame feeds on comparison.”
Helping normalize needing help is very powerful.
I just find it interesting that there is a stigma of shame over some tasks but not others. Who decides that? It’s just silly. If you need help in any endeavor, so what? Just get the help you need. And then share your gift with the world. We are like a quilt that all comes together!
I’m ashamed to tell some people that I pay for house cleaning and grocery delivery, in case they think I’m wasteful or lazy. At this point in my life, I don’t consider these services luxury but necessary to my being able to do all the things (work, family, social and personal) that are important to me.
I know many people who rely on grocery delivery because it is the best use of their resources. For many people, time is the thing they have the least of. If you figure out a way to allocate your resources more wisely than a previous generation or even a neighbor, I think that shows wisdom, not weakness!
Seana, this post is so timely for me. I have a client with whom I will share this post. As you say throughout this blog ‘shame twists truth into lies’. She is a lovely and talented woman with many strengths but she only focuses on that with which she is struggling. I have asked her not to repeat the negative mantras and to post positive mantras to combat the negative ones. And much of what you said here, I have also shared with her. It’s always good to hear someone else share this message.
Thank you for putting so succinctly a message that I hope she will read and take to heart.
I love that you encourage your client to post the positive affirmations and remind herself of all her incredible strengths. We weren’t designed to be perfect at everything. I believe quite the opposite. We are interconnected, and meant to come together and share our strengths for the benefit of all. If someone is great at numbers and lousy at cooking or organizing, I say spend more time with the numbers and hire a chef!
I love this post — in fact, I wrote about this topic as well! Shame can easily creep in and take hold without us even realizing it, until someone needs to come over or the holidays are nearby. It stops us in our tracks and prevents us from seeing any opportunity to move forward.
Once we acknowledge that we’re feeling vulnerable and ashamed, we can start to transfer that emotion into action and possibilities.
Kindness, as you mentioned, is the key to letting go of shame.
This is a great reminder for anyone; we can fall into shame at any time throughout our lives.
I’ve noticed that this shame often comes to rest on the shoulders of the woman of the house. Such a shame, as most of the ones I know are doing all they can to keep things afloat. It’s just a negative, deceitful and useless emotion. Love that we are both writing about this topic and sharing this message with the world!
Shame is a productivity killer, for sure! In the exact ways you describe, people restate snapshot facts about activities as (negative) immutable human characteristics, and that does more to make it difficult to complete tasks than almost any physical or outward obstacle.
I’ve spoken with two different clients in the last week who have not allowed themselves to take part in things that give them joy because they realized they felt they didn’t “deserve” to be happy because they hadn’t done things (cleaned, organized, filed, made appointments, etc.) they SHOULD do. And both thought (as all clients seem to think) that they’re the only ones who don’t do what they’re “supposed” to do, whether those are tasks assigned by others or by themselves. Teaching clients to not “should all over” themselves is an area that crosses from professional organizing into the no-man’s land between organizing and therapy. But it’s a huge boon to productivity to just realize that nobody is perfect; we’re all just imperfect in different ways.
I love your example about rewiring a house; I usually ask if they cut their own hair or would they set their children’s broken arms themselves. Breaking through that shame is the first “help” but certainly not the only one, as you’ve shown. I love how you’ve imbued this post with the compassion that I know you use to serve your clients. Great advice!
Julie, I think you share great wisdom in your comment about how clients think they are the “only ones” who aren’t doing what they should. Why do we do this to ourselves? How is it that we end up with this warped perspective? It’s that comparison thing. Shame is such a destructive emotion. I think a lot of us cross that line from organizing into therapy because we are talking with people as these emotions surface. We are the hands and feet on the scene, and therefore have a special opportunity to affirm and empower. I think it’s a great privilege!
Thank you for writing about shame and how it shows up for many of our clients. And of course, it’s not just our clients. It’s a human emotion that no one is immune to.
It can be so deeply ingrained. The thoughts surrounding shame get revisited, looped, and played back over and over. And when that happens, a singular trigger can bring those feelings right to the surface. Even thinking about a situation can trigger the emotion.
Recognizing it’s there is a first step. Learning how to release it is next. Because without processing the emotion or loop, it will keep coming up.
I’ve been doing a tiny shifts training with Dr. Elisha Goldstein. And I can see how his strategy could be helpful in the situations with shame that you are describing. He just released his new book, “Tiny Shifts,” and I highly recommend it.
“Tiny Shifts” sounds like a wonderful book on this topic. I will check it out!
Such a good point about how shame can pop up from a variety of triggers. Like so many emotions and senses of self, an identity that was formed well in our past can resurface and sabotage our current life.