From Likes to Longing: The Hidden Impact of Social Media on The Home

Imagine there is a knock at your door. Your Ring camera isn’t working, and you don’t have a peephole. There are no windows near your door, and it is dark. Do you open the door? Most people would be reluctant to open the door and expose themselves to an unknown intrusion from the other side. Nevertheless, these days the majority of us open our social media apps with no idea what might pop op and “get into” our heads. Much (valid) discussion is underway about the impact of social media on our young people and their self-esteem. I suspect the impact goes much further, actually forming the way we think, including the way we think about our homes and belongings. Let’s consider the hidden impact of social media on the home.

Flashback about 50 years to a time when few people were familiar with the “behind the scenes” of other people’s lives. Most of us were familiar with the homes of friends and family, but that was about it. In 1984, a new television series aired: “Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous,” hosted by Robin Leach. Suddenly we all wanted to be rich and live in fancy homes. I remember loving this show. Fortunately, our exposure to these celebrity excesses was limited to once a week. Additionally, most viewers were able to see that the homes and possessions we were viewing were not achievable by the average person. This was fantasy, not reality. No one was embarrassed not to own a yacht or live in a house with an elevator.

Unfortunately, times have changed.

The advent of social media, and the perpetual bombardment of “real” images has caused many of us to question the way that we live. These days, at the tap of a finger, we are quickly and perpetually exposed to images of other people’s “private” lives, including the food they are eating, the exercises they are doing, the beauty treatments they are using, the clothes they are wearing, and the homes they are buying, renovating, and decorating.

Furthermore, thanks to handy algorithms, once we click “like” on an image, we suddenly start seeing more and more of these types of images and videos. With repeated exposure to beautiful spaces, it doesn’t take long for us to find ourselves asking, “Is my living room arranged properly?”,  “Is my color scheme out of date?”, or “Should I be fridgescaping?”

Lest you think I am a social media hater, let me be clear that I acknowledge it can have many positives, such as:

• Social media can provide inspiration when we aren’t sure what we want.
• Many social media sites offer free instruction and guidance for people who want to improve their spaces.
• Social media posters often provide links to resources and products that can help us declutter, organize, and decorate our homes.
• Some social media posters are willing to engage in conversation to help people pursue their goals.

All of these have the potential to be quite helpful!

At the same time, social media posts can have a negative impact, because:

They make us “want.”

One of the gifts of being a human being is the ability to watch other human beings and gain information that we can use to adapt and improve. For instance, a guest having his first meal at a formal dinner may watch the other guests to figure out which fork to begin with or which bread plate to use. Humans can quickly absorb the behaviors and thoughts of those around us, which helps us socialize and get along. Our capacity for habituation enables us to listen and learn, to internalize (consciously or not) an idea of how things should be.

The potential downside of this skill, particularly as it relates to social media, is that we can find ourselves thinking that our spaces and belongings should look like those we are seeing on online. Fashion is always changing, and we feel the pressure to keep up. This is good for business, but not always great for individuals. Whereas we might have been perfectly happy with our home or possessions, now we begin to question our beliefs, thinking that maybe our spaces are somehow “wrong.”

I saw this image on social media the other day (yes, I see the irony, that is why this subject is complex!), that touched on this idea.

They make us feel bad about ourselves.

Whenever we see someone doing something, especially something that we find challenging, it is hard to not feel bad about ourselves. I post a lot of tips on social media, but I know that what might come naturally to me might be very hard for someone else. My goal is always to provide assistance, not condemnation. Nevertheless, I know that some people may feel like I am saying organizing should be easy and fun. Believe me, I am well aware that not everyone feels this way, because I feel this way about other aspects of daily living. I don’t think lifting heavy weights is very fun. I try to do it because I believe it will help my life, but I’m never going to love it, and I think it will always be a bit of a grind.

They make us feel like we need to hide or apologize for our homes.

The other night I was invited to dinner by a dear friend and her husband. One of the first things she said to her guests was, “I haven’t redecorated in years. I know that red in my dining room is completely out of style.” To be honest, I thought her dining room was beautiful, not only because it was pretty and inviting, but also because I had memories of happy meals associated with this space. Being inside her red dining room was like a warm hug. I felt bad that she felt the need to make excuses, when all I was feeling was the joy of having been invited.

They make us reluctant to have people over.

Sometimes people will joke about having “CHAOS: an acronym for Can’t Have Anyone Over Syndrome.” While I get the joke – and understand the desire to have our homes look “ready” for company – I also know that I’ve never walked into a home and judged the way it looked. I’ve never thought, “Wow, I wish they had cleaned up before I came over.” If anything, I find it comforting to walk into a house that doesn’t look perfect. Real people live there, and this is what real life looks like. It makes me feel better about whatever aspects of my life may not be “picture perfect” at the moment.

They encourage us to acquire impulsively.

When I was studying marketing back in my college days, I learned about the art of merchandising. The goal was always to make items look so desirable (e.g., via lighting, placement, scent, music, celebrity endorsement, etc.) that people would not be able to resist purchasing.

Social media now does this very thing, often quite surreptitiously. The “pitch” can be quite subtle, often appearing as a lucky find or piece of insider information. Rather than a hard sell, it feels like we are finding out about something from someone we know (or think we know). Lucky us!

Furthermore, it is so easy to buy. All we have to do is tap “Shop Now” in order to get in on the deal. We don’t even have to leave our couch. Plus, if our credit or debit cards are maxed out, we can even get instant financing from Klarna (or something similar) on the spot. What could be better?

The whole system is designed to make us act quickly. Chances are, if we walk away, sleep on it, or do a bit of research, the allure will face, and we may decide not to buy. However, this requires that we detach our attention from the moment, which can be hard to do. Social media is designed to keep us engaged and does so very effectively.

They can provide counterproductive and even poor suggestions.

Not all advice is good advice, and not all advice is good for everyone. What works well for one person might not be at all appropriate for another. Of course, this isn’t a novel concept. But when we see someone talking about an awesome hack, technique, product, or service, it’s hard not to believe him or her. Social media stars are people, not actors, so they must be telling the truth, right? In some cases, they truly are! Still, their truth might not be the best for you.

For example, I often see tips for parents on how to make school lunches. I’ve seen everything from bento boxes to cutting sandwiches into fancy shapes to using home-grown ingredients. None of these ideas is bad or wrong, and if you have the time and inclination to craft your child’s lunch, go for it! At the same time, if you have four children to get out the door in the morning and are feeling bad because you didn’t write a personalized note on each kids’ banana, I’m here to tell you to relax. Fancy school lunch preparation is more of a hobby than a necessity. The goal is to send your child with decently healthy food that you believe he/she will likely eat. Period.

Some of what they post isn’t real.

The good news is, most of us have become increasingly discerning when it comes to believing what we see. However, it can be hard to know if what we are looking at has somehow been “faked.” Editing software and AI have made distinguishing truth from fiction difficult, and I expect this trend will continue. Since few people have the time to fact-check every image, reel, short, etc. that appears, we remain vulnerable to deception, especially when we are scrolling late at night or when we are tired.

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Given all of these potential negative impacts, the question is how can we keep social media’s impact under control, specifically when it comes to our spaces and belongings?

One of the best approaches is to remind ourselves of what truly matters. This helps tamp down the temptation to want what we don’t have. When it comes to homes, I suggest three things have true value.

• Safety

The place where you live should be safe. There should be clear walking paths for both residents and visitors. The space should be regularly cleaned, including the kitchen, bathrooms, floors, and surfaces.

• Function

Your home should be a place that operates reasonably well. You should be able to find what you need, when you need it. Your belongings should not be so many in number, or take up so much space, that you cannot cook, eat, sleep, bathe, manage the household, relax, and work.

• Good “Feels”

On balance, you should be happy to be in your home. While it may not look neat at every moment, or feature the latest and greatest décor or styling, it should generally be a place of retreat and refreshment. Your home should reflect you and your family, containing items that make you feel relaxed and content.

If you are actually living in your home, odds are that there will be times when your space becomes a bit overwhelmed by stuff, such as papers for processing an estate, medications and equipment for an illness, smelly sports gear for an in-season athlete, copious gear for a new baby, etc. This is ok, there are seasons of life. The goal is that, overall, you feel comfortable in your home.

Armed with this clear sense of priorities, we can further limit social media’s potential negative consequences by making mindful choices about how and when we indulge.

Research suggests that we spend, on average, 2 hours and 23 minutes each day looking at social media. For many, social media has become a habit. One way to think of a habit is an action we take without much mindful thought. Like opening the door to an unknown guest at the front door, we should be cautious rather than mindless when it comes to social media.

How do you know if you are engaging too much? There is no clear answer. However, if you find yourself feeling envy, jealousy, or longing, it might be time to cut back. If you find yourself in debt or posting to impress others, it may be wise to take a hiatus. Here are three practical tips that you might find helpful:

#1 Curate Your Feed

As I previously mentioned, algorithms are always working to show you more of what you have already liked. The upside of this is that you can actually have some impact on what you see. If you are feeling “home envy,” stop looking at, liking, commenting on, and sharing these types of post. Find another topic that you honestly do want to see. Personally, I love watching videos of people rescuing animals in trouble.

#2 Engage Mindfully

Many of us look to our phones for one reason (e.g., to check email, send a text, answer a call, etc.), and then get distracted by social media alerts and apps. A couple of ways we can counter this temptation are by:

• Moving social media icons to the last screen on the phone.
• Disabling social media alerts.
• Deleting apps we struggle to avoid.

In other words, we can make ourselves work a bit to access social media. Maybe you only on look at social media on your laptop, or only when you are in a specific physical location. I know this is hard, but bear in mind, it is hard because it has been designed to be hard.

#3 Schedule Digital-Free Intervals

We all have different schedules, but all of us need a time in the day where we are free from the draw of social media and other digital distractions. One of the quickest and simplest steps we can take is to “put the phone to bed.” This means plugging the phone in, away from the bed. If nothing else, we should be able to sleep in peace. If you use your phone as your alarm, silence alerts, and plug it in where you can’t reach it from the bed.

You can always set aside digital-free times. A common option is mealtime, where family members agree to have no phones at the table.

If you are really wanting to restrict social media and the impact it is having on you, consider setting aside a day or part of a day as a “digital Sabbath.” Think of this as a time when you allow yourself to be free from digital devices. Once again, this can be challenging, as many people are expected to be “on call” at all times. Pulling this off may require some advance notice with potentially impacted parties, letting them know when you will be off the digital grid.

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Like so many things, social media has two sides to its proverbial coin. The goal is to enjoy the positives without suffering the downsides.

Do you find yourself experiencing longing because of what you see on social media? How might you respond?