I recently heard a message that has stuck with me. It’s had me turning thoughts around in my mind, so I thought I would share it. The message came from my church’s summer beach service. Yes, living on Long Island Sound has its benefits, including church on the beach in the summer! [If you want to hear the pastor’s full message, click here.] In the featured story, an older man observes a younger man’s actions, and tells the younger man, “What you are doing is not good.” I know that receiving counsel from someone older and wiser is not a new idea, but here is why I’ve been chewing on it.
Generally, when I think about doing something that is “not good,” a variety of examples jump into my head. First are the things I do, but that I probably shouldn’t, such as drink diet soda or sit in the sun without sunscreen. (Please, no lectures). Alternatively, I may imagine all the things I should be doing, but don’t, like help homeless people or improve my tech skills.
However, in this case I was challenged to think about a third category of activities, namely things I am doing that I think are good, but actually are not.
For reference, in this story, a man named Moses was acting as the judge for the disputes that arose between the people over whom he had been given charge. Since the group likely represented about 600,000 men (along with any number of women and children), this was a huge job. The people were lining up from morning until night trying to get their cases heard. Moses’ motive was good: as the leader of the people, he felt that it was his responsibility to resolve the conflicts. Nevertheless, when Moses’ wise father-in-law came for a visit, he instantly recognized that this approach was inefficient and exhausting.
Instead of hearing each case himself, Moses’ father-in-law suggested that he nominate some responsible individuals to be in charge of solving the simpler disagreements, freeing Moses to continue to serve as the arbiter for the most challenging cases.
Admittedly, delegation is not a new idea, so it wasn’t the solution that got me thinking. It was the challenge to consider what it is I may be doing – with perfectly good motives, thinking my approach is the best and right way – that is not good.
Mindsets are tricky things. Once we embrace an approach or idea, we often set down roots, failing to ever stop to reevaluate. We may start thinking or doing something in one particular way, and just continue on in this pattern for years, even if our circumstances and needs have changed.
Furthermore, as we age, we may find that we become increasingly rigid in our thinking. I can see this happening in myself, and I must regularly and mindfully remind myself to be open to new ideas and approaches.
I’m writing this post in the middle of August, a time of the year that is at the tail end of the summer fun and before the full onslaught of the fall activity. Many people use this time to take a vacation, declutter, plan, or simply slow down. I think August is the perfect time of year to consider what, if anything, we may be doing that honestly is not good.
This may be any number of things:
- Habits we have formed that really are not efficient.
- Patterns of thought that are sabotaging our ability to make progress or experience joy.
- Relationships we are perpetuating even though they are dragging us down.
- Activities that we tell ourselves are good but that actually are not very fulfilling.
- Physical items we have in our space that we used to like but no longer really do.
- Words we regularly use that don’t well represent our thoughts or that reflect an attitude we’d like to change.
When we are in the thick of meeting daily demands, we may not take the time to think about how we do things. We get mired in the weeds of the urgent and necessary. Much like Moses, we lack the ability to see our situation from a bird’s eye view.
Sometimes, simply slowing down and being intentional provides us enough perspective to recognize some things we might be doing that simply are “not good.” In other cases, we may need an outsider whom we trust to make observations and offer insight. This may be a close friend or family member, or it may a professional. I know when I walk into a client’s home, I often see things that I think may not be good.
If you want to consider what it is you are doing that is not good, here are a few questions you can ask of yourself:
- What do I do that frequently ends in frustration?
- When do I find myself feeling bad about something I said or did?
- What activities make me tired or cranky?
- Is there anything I do that my loved ones complain about?
- What do I do (or try to do) that never turns out the way I want?
Remember, the goal here isn’t guilt or shame. Neither is it to add to the list of “should or should-nots.” Instead, the object is to identify what you may be doing, even working very hard at, that isn’t garnering good results. If you are able to identify something, the next step is to make a change. The possibilities are many, including:
- Changing the way you do a task (e.g., dropping your keys in a specific place instead of randomly when you walk in the door.)
- Delegating a task that you’ve previously handled yourself (e.g., renegotiating the performance of mutual household chores).
- Trying a new approach to a familiar challenge (e.g., giving each family member a color coded laundry hamper and doing their whole load together instead of mixing family clothing.)
- Purchasing a better tool to complete a task (I am reminded of Martha Stewart’s “good thing.”)
- Investigating, studying, and/or learning how others manage similar situations.
- Bringing in external resources to either complete or assist you in doing what you’ve been unable to do yourself.
- Changing the time of day you perform certain tasks.
* * *
Life can be hectic and most people I know are working very hard. Like Moses, they are working from sunup to sundown trying to get things done. Effort is a good thing but it is disappointing to work hard and then not get good results, especially if this happens repeatedly. Periodically, it is worth the effort to consider what you may be doing that is not good, and then to move in a new direction to achieve better outcomes with more satisfaction.
Can you think of something you do that is not good?
This is such a thought provoking post, Seana. Thank you for sharing these ideas. I need to take some time and sit with them before I respond.
Same for me. As I said, I’ve been chewing on this for awhile!
Lots of food for thought here! I’m sure there are a few things I do that aren’t good, and you’ve inspired me to identify them and make some changes.
Ever since I heard the message I’ve been thinking about it too! I don’t think this is the kind of question we can answer overnight. Rather, we might see it unfold.
Thank you for sharing this thought provoking piece. With many of my clients there are no awareness of how they are sabotaging their efforts. The first step is the awareness that something might not be as good as we think it is. How does that first step happen for me? It is from listening to new perspectives, I’m super grateful to see this post as a way to help others start rethinking
It often does take a fresh perspective to even consider that a pattern of behavior may not be serving us well! I know such input has helped me in the past, and I hope that I can sometimes offer the same service to others.
I agree with you that it can be challenging to identify habits or patterns that aren’t serving you anymore. It takes a level of awareness that might be difficult to identify during busy times. However, you provided an array of scenarios and questions to ask to get that ball rolling.
One thing I’ve noticed is when I’ve arrived at a goal I’ve been working towards. It’s always satisfying to get there, but what happens next can be interesting. The outcome can work for a while, but then something might need to shift. So, remaining flexible and open to change is essential.
You’ve given me a lot to think about. Looks like I’ll be pondering along with all of you. 🙂 Thank you.
yes, this one really got me thinking. Excellent point about remaining flexible and open to change. The landscape is perpetually shifting, right?
What an interesting post, Seana! This time of year is perfect for me to reassess and revise habits, thoughts, goals, etc. I like to ask myself what new or old habits have not been working so far this year and how I can improve. Just because we have goals for the year doesn’t mean we can’t tweak them and make them more effective as we embark on achieving the goals.
I love that you listed questions for people to ponder. It is a great starting point for us all.
I have a renewed energy for thoughts like these now as well. There is this strange “lull” in the schedule. It’s also a great time to look ahead and plan vacations, set goals, and dream a little!
I agree that people don’t always do things correctly when “in the thick of things”. They are in a rush and just need to get things/tasks out of the way so they can move on to the next thing. But we all know how this ends. People often spend more time redoing things correctly.
And that “redoing” is so awful. It’s hard to psych yourself to redo tasks, and not only can it feel like a waste of time, but it often makes us feel badly about ourselves because we didn’t get it right the first time!
Talk about thought-provoking; this has my brain going a mile-a-minute. “This is not good” reminds me, first, of Jane Austen having Knightly say to Emma, after the Box Hill incident, “Badly done, Emma. Badly done, indeed.”
Next, it got me thinking about efficiency vs. effectiveness. We can do a thing well, even with efficiency, but if we’re doing the wrong thing well, we’ve wasted our effort. If what we are doing is “not good,” it doesn’t necessarily mean we are doing a bad thing, but a thing that is, quite literally NOT good. The very neutrality inherent in the lack of positivity or goodness is damning.
I love the questions you’ve given us to pose to ourselves. What, indeed, keeps ending in my frustration? If I can identify the frustration points, I can see what the catalyst of my own behavior was, and begin to make my changes there. We all self-sabotage out of lack of awareness; self-evaluation (or the “eyes of a stranger” — even if that stranger is a friend or a more pointed version of ourselves) is key. You’ve offered cognitive, tactical, and behavioral approaches to making a change, and I’m so impressed. I’ll be thinking about this post for quite a while!
Such a good point about when we may be wasting our time working on the wrong thing. That happens all the time, because we may start an initiative for a good reason, but then carry on beyond when it is actually good.
That question about frustration is one I have been pondering. I am so habitual that I am reluctant to change my ways. But there are some situations where I think my approach just really isn’t good.
I’ll be interested to hear in the future if anything bubbles up for you!
Thank you for this post. i love the idea that we are trying to do things in a good way with good intentions. We need to step back and see what is really important. Your article is very thought provoking, thank you for challenging us to be the best we can be.
Challenging our thought and behavior patterns is just another way to stay at the top of our game, right Julie?
It is good to take some time to examine our activities. I rarely just stop and consider these things. It is a good reminder to think things through and how we can improve. Some things need more attention and some need to be eliminated. It takes introspection and honestly evaluating our activities. time to get started doing that regularly right now!
Dianne
I’m sort of just trying to observe what I regularly do as I go alone and keep asking myself, “Is this really good?”