5 “Frightful Foes” to Avoid

Life can be challenging. Sometimes, the way we react makes things even harder. While we can’t control the difficulties we may face, we do have some control over how we respond. In the spirit of the season, let’s consider five “Frightful Foes” to avoid.

When Things Go Wrong

Any given day can usher in unexpected challenges, difficult responsibilities, and disappointing developments. For example:

• Your child wakes up with a fever on a day when you have something important to accomplish.
• A critical meeting attendee cancels at the last minute.
• A school or work project is assigned that you don’t know how to complete.
• You have to work with other people who are less invested than you are.
• A friend, family member, or coworker criticizes you, perhaps behind your back.
• An event or project gets derailed by interference from a third party.
• You experience an injury or illness.
• Your identity is stolen.
• You are involved in a car accident.
• Weather interferes with a planned activity or causes damage to your home or vehicle.
• You make a mistake at work or school.
• You say something you regret, damaging a relationship.
• Technical glitches interrupt your presentation or plans.
• You forget an important appointment.
• You are running late.
• A major appliance (washing machine, air conditioner, dishwasher, hot water heater, etc.) breaks down.

Have any of these (or others) happened to you recently? It’s never fun.

“Frightful Foe” Reactions

When tough times strike, it is easy to respond in ways that make the situation worse. While these gut reactions may provide a short-term emotional payoff, in the long run, they can morph into crippling habits that undermine our productivity and perpetuate a negative mindset.

Here are some behavioral habits that are worth pushing back against.

Catastrophizing

Catastrophizing occurs when we mentally and emotionally over-inflate the impact of a specific bad incident or situation.

Something goes wrong, and instead of keeping the individual challenge in perspective, we slip into an “all-or-nothing” mindset, with thoughts such as:

• This whole day is wasted.
• This whole project is a mess.
• I’m just bad at everything.
• Because this happened, now many bad things will happen.
• I’m never going to figure this out.

When we catastrophize, we make the problem seem so large that we feel incapable of addressing it.

If you struggle with catastrophizing:

Practice using fact-based self-talk to put the issue in perspective and calm your emotions. Then, start making a plan to keep the issue from sabotaging your day.

For instance, let’s say your computer is stolen. This is extremely inconvenient and might be expensive, but it doesn’t mean your life has fallen apart. Instead, it means you will have some extra work to do to figure out how to recover from the loss.

Your next steps might include:

• Filing a police report.
• Calling your insurance carrier.
• Contacting a computer specialist to see what can be recovered from the cloud.
• Identifying temporary computing options until you can get a new computer.
• Researching replacement options.
• Contacting customers or professors to develop a plan for recreating anything that was lost.
• Identifying new practices to minimize future damage (e.g., backing up data, locking your computer, etc.).

The goal is to shift your mind from panic to action.

Also, some people find it helpful to think about what is the worst thing that could possibly happen, and then to brainstorm what to do if this were to happen. Fortunately, the worst case scenario rarely happens, but feeling like you have a plan “just in case” can be calming.

Procrastinating

Procrastinating is when we avoid working on tasks that we need to complete.

Postponing tasks—particularly difficult or unpleasant ones—may provide temporary relief, but it often leaves us carrying the anxiety of incomplete tasks while shortening the time we have to get things done.

If you struggle with procrastinating:

Identify a next step that feels small enough to help you take action.

For instance, if you need to declutter and organize a large space, your next step might be to:

• Take some “before” photos of the space.
• Write a clear description of what you would like to do with the room.
• Talk with your partner about the room. Can you agree on a shared objective?
• Call a professional organizer for a free consultation.
• Gather items from the top of one surface and bring them to a designated sorting area for review.
• Review whatever you first encounter when you walk into the room.
• Set a timer to work in the space for 10 minutes.
• Invite someone to ask you about your progress in decluttering the room.
• Work with a body double to help you stay focused.

Taking even one step typically relieves a lot of stress and may be enough to get the ball rolling.

Complaining

Complaining is when we focus—often repetitively—on everything that is wrong with a situation.

When things are hard, complaining is a common way to vent. In the moment, it makes us feel better, especially if we get others to join in. However, in the long run, complaining can be depressing, demotivating, and dis-empowering. It often leaves us feeling that there is nothing we can do, stifling our efforts to seek solutions and alternatives. It can also drive people away from us because they grow tired of hearing our repeated gripes.

If you struggle with complaining:

Distinguish between opportunities for change and undesirable situations that simply need to be accepted. As the famous Serenity Prayer says:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

— Reinhold Niebuhr

If there is potential for change, identify and schedule positive next steps, such as:

• Talking with a supervisor.
• Brainstorming things you can do that will reduce your distress.
• Holding a family meeting to discuss the irritating situation and how to improve it.
• Exploring alternatives for getting out of the setting, such as applying for a new job, resigning a volunteer position, adjusting your schedule to avoid difficult encounters, or ending your commitment to a toxic group.

If you cannot leave the situation, and are also powerless to effect any improvement, focus on how to avoid getting stuck in a negative, complaining mindset. For example:

• Write your feelings down in a journal.
• Take some deep breaths to calm your nervous system.
• Allow yourself a limited amount of time to complain, e.g., once a week to a trusted friend.
• Consider how you can grow as a result of this experience.
• Explore activities and opportunities that boost your mood.
• Establish healthy boundaries to keep the negative situation from bleeding into other aspects of your life.
• Manage your expectations going forward.
• Ask someone to pray with you and help you persevere.

Blaming

Blaming is when we assign responsibility for a negative situation to someone else.

When things go awry, it is common to immediately start looking for who is responsible. In itself, this isn’t bad. Identifying the source of a problem and making plans to do things differently in the future are often logical next steps. In some cases, individuals need to be held accountable.

Blaming becomes a problem, however, when we wrongly shift responsibility onto someone else rather than admitting our own fault. Perhaps we are embarrassed, or maybe we are afraid to take responsibility. Whatever the reason, people who consistently lay blame on others are often perceived as self-centered. When we habitually blame others, we drive people away and make it less likely that we will be entrusted with anything of consequence.

If you struggle with blaming:

Begin by acknowledging that you have this tendency. This can be a difficult step because we often don’t even realize we are doing it. In addition, our innate instinct for self-preservation can make it hard to accept responsibility.

Remind yourself that admitting fault or failure is a sign of strength. Most people are willing to forgive missteps, especially when the person responsible responds with humility. Acknowledging a mistake or weakness, particularly when accompanied by a plan to behave differently in the future, builds trust and respect.

Quitting

Quitting is when we prematurely walk away from a task or obligation.

We’ve all been there. There are many reasons why we lose steam and want to give up, including:

• It’s taking more time than we have to give.
• It’s harder than we anticipated.
• Our personal situation has changed, and we can no longer give the time and energy we originally offered.
• We get sick or injured.
• The other people involved are driving us crazy.

It’s tempting to throw our hands up in surrender. Unfortunately, quitting midstream can have some “scary” consequences. For instance:

• We can put others in a difficult situation they don’t deserve.
• We can come across as unreliable.
• We may cause financial difficulties for ourselves or others.
• We may damage current or future relationships.
• We may regret our abrupt departure.
• We may miss out on personal growth that we could have experienced had we chosen to persevere.

Admittedly, there is a difference between taking a break, quitting, and walking away. Sometimes, it is wise to exit a situation. At the same time, leaving without warning may do more harm than good.

If you struggle with quitting:

The best hedge against premature quitting is pausing and giving yourself a bit of time to evaluate the situation. This might mean waiting a day, a week, a month, or whatever period is appropriate and necessary for thoughtful consideration.

During this time, logically explore your options and their implications. Is quitting the best option? If so, how can you do it in a way that benefits you while minimizing harm to others you care about?

Also, remember that there are often benefits to continuing to show up in difficult circumstances. Even if you don’t have the answers, have made mistakes, or are weary, the commitment you demonstrate by continuing to try can impress both you and others. When it serves a worthwhile goal, perseverance can be valuable.

Finally, bear in mind that there may be natural endpoints at which you can exit a situation without negative aftereffects (e.g., at the end of a season or term, during a restructuring, or when you are relocating).

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Behavioral habits can either serve us well or cause us more grief. Acknowledging where we might want to make a change and then seeking the support, resources, and structure we need to do so can make us more productive and happier in the long run.

Have you overcome any of these five “Frightful Foes”? What tips do you have for conquering these pernicious tendencies?