If you live alone, you can probably skip this post. If you don’t, you probably know the struggle of figuring out who is doing which chores and when. Maybe you argue about it. Maybe you do it all yourself but feel resentful. These issues can cause significant tension in a household, so it is worth figuring out how to master the management of mutual chores.
What are Mutual Chores?
Mutual chores are household tasks that are not automatically assigned to one specific person but are the shared responsibility of everyone in the household. Historically, the split of mutual chores tended to fall along gender lines. However, in today’s world, where both partners often work outside the home, dividing mutual chores requires intentional planning. Mutual chores include:
- Meal planning
- Grocery shopping
- Food preparation
- Washing dishes
- Laundry
- Yard care
- Childcare (feeding, bathing, diapers, bedtime, homework, etc.)
- Transportation (driving family members where they need to be)
- Scheduling of family and social activities
- Vacation planning
- Bill paying
- Gift giving
- Cleaning
- Taking out the trash
- Feeding and caring for pets
I use the word “mutual” not only because these chores can be performed by multiple people, but also because they benefit everyone in the household. So, when we perform a mutual chore, we are not ‘doing someone a favor.’ We are performing a task that – for the most part – would need to be done whether we lived with others or not. Performing mutual chores is one way we show respect and contribute to the success of the household.
Of course, if you live alone, you get to do all the mutual chores – lucky you!
Assigning Mutual Chores
One of the best ways to figure out who should do what chores is by having a conversation on this topic. We often make assumptions about who will perform mutual chores based on age, stage, and gender. Instead, it is better to have an open discussion and intentionally decide who will do what and when.
It is worth noting that there are no absolute rights or wrongs here. Ideally, each household handles this question in the way that best suits their exact situation. Also, to make life as pleasant as possible, we want to assign the tasks in a way that aligns with our personal interests, gifts, and available time.
A productive conversation on this topic might include:
- Making a list of all the mutual chores.
- Allowing each party to articulate which tasks they would like to do, and which they don’t like.
- Negotiating how to split up the tasks that no one wants in a way that is fair.
Bear in mind that there are many options for how mutual chores can be divvied up, such as:
- Assigning total responsibility for a task to one person.
- Rotating responsibility for a task by day, week, month, etc.
- Choosing to hire someone for tasks that neither partner can—or is willing to—do.
Mutual Chores Over Time
I suggest that couples have a mutual chores conversation early on in their time living together. This helps avoid unintentional patterns that place undue burden on one partner. At the same time, if you never had this conversation, if you are unhappy with the longstanding division of mutual chores in your household, or if your living situation has changed you can revisit this topic at any time.
Over time, and as circumstances change, it often makes sense to reassign mutual chores. For example, you may choose to reallocate your mutual chores if:
- There is a change in one or both partner’s employment outside of the home.
- One or both partners experience a health event which impacts their ability to perform mutual chores as they have in the past.
- Your family relocates and the nature of some of the chores changes (e.g., taking the trash out now requires hauling cans a long distance).
- The family’s schedule changes, changing the demands of a mutual chore (e.g., a child enrolls in private school that now requires a 25-minute drive instead of a five-minute walk to a bus stop).
Tracking Shared Mutual Chores
Sometimes members of a household choose to share certain mutual chores. This can be a great solution, but it can also lead to confusion. It’s important to clarify how shared chores will be tracked to avoid both duplication and neglect of effort.
One common example that falls into this category is caring for pets. In many homes, multiple family members share the responsibility for feeding, walking, and cleaning up after pets. Since a dog won’t tell you that it has already been fed or that it doesn’t need to be walked, it is helpful to use a tool to help everyone know what has been done and when. This can be a sign, a dry-erase board, a digital checklist, or another system where the person completing the task can log its completion.
The “Don’ts” of Mutual Chores
Regardless of how you allocate and track mutual chores, I humbly offer a couple of guidelines for what not to do when it comes to mutual chores.
First, try not to criticize the way someone else has performed a mutual chore.
Most people have their own preferred way of doing things. However, we shouldn’t agree that a task is someone else’s responsibility, and then do nothing but complain about how he or she is doing it.
I often see this with child-rearing tasks. It is normal for moms and dads to have different approaches. For the most part, children benefit from these differences. We should try to value, rather than critique, another’s approach.
This is especially important when children are performing mutual chores. We want children to feel empowered and esteemed by serving the family, not belittled. They may require a bit of tweaking, but such feedback should be given in combination with appreciation.
If the way a family member is performing a mutual chore feels insufficient, the task should be renegotiated. The goal is to come to agreement about exactly what is expected. Likewise, it helps to decide in advance what the consequence will be if these standards are not met.
Second, avoid redoing someone else’s work.
Nothing kills motivation like putting in effort, only to have someone else come behind and redo what you’ve just done. Perfectionists particularly struggle with this one. I know many a person who reloads the dishwasher.
If you’re always redoing someone else’s task, ask yourself: who is really responsible for it? As mentioned before, the “how” of a task can be revisited. Maybe break the task down so each person can fully carry out their part without feeling like their effort was wasted.
Using the dirty dishes example, if one family member is “picky” about how the dishwasher gets loaded, and the two cannot agree on this topic, perhaps the other person’s task is limited to clearing the table and packing up leftovers.
Third, don’t rescue those who neglect their mutual chores.
In an effort to just have things checked off the list, one person will often swoop in and complete someone else’s mutual chore. I understand this temptation. We need the task completed, and once again, the responsible party has fallen short.
Every once in a while, this may be necessary, but you want to avoid turning this into a habit. When we rescue others from their responsibilities, we communicate that their task isn’t truly necessary—or that someone else will always step in.
Instead, when negotiating tasks, all parties should agree in advance what the consequence will be when someone fails the family by neglecting or delaying his/her mutual chore. Then, if this should happen, the consequence should happen automatically—without nagging or complaining.
* * *
Performing mutual chores is a meaningful way to contribute to something bigger than yourself. It means contributing in ways that benefit someone other than yourself, hopefully resulting in a sense of pride and accomplishment.
Have you ever discussed how to allocate mutual chores in your household? Do you do them all yourself? What advice would you share for people who feel that the mutual chores in their house are not being fairly shared?
I love this post, Seana. The topic is one, as you said, that mus be visited early and often. You make a great point about the division of the tasks and the way things may need to change if there is a change in your ciorcumstances. This happened to my son. He has been the parent to run the morning for the past 7 years. He had been getting (or supervising in recent times) the children ready in the morning. This involved cleaning up, supervising bed making, having breakfast together, and making sure the 2 children were ready for school. His wife has been accustomed to going for an early morning run or exercise class, stopping for coffee, and then starting work. Both of them work from home with the occassional visit to an office in New York or a business trip. Things changed dramatically a few months ago when my son changed jobs and now works for a company headquartered in Germany. His availability in the morning vanished and his wife had to change her morning routine. I know there were more than a few conversations about who was doing what, when, and how.
The other thing I love about this post is the idea of not going back and redoing something for the person asked to do the chore.
I hope everyone reads this post and puts your advice into practice.
That’s a perfect example of how situations can change, and a reminder of the importance of renegotiating when these situations emerge. Our lives have changed over the years. One of the big seasons of renegotiations for us was COVID, when my husband changed from perpetual traveling to being home all day. It definitely took some reshifting!
I don’t remember having a specific conversation around this, but over the years we’ve fallen into certain patterns, e.g. I wash the dishes, he dries and puts them away. I put the laundry in the washer, he moves it to the dryer and brings it upstairs, and we sort and put away together. I cook Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday and Sunday, and he cooks the other nights. I look after the cat, he looks after the garbage (though I’ve been known to pitch in from time to time). Admittedly, there are tasks I do that I’d prefer to share, but you have to pick your battles, right?
If you can “fall into” patterns that you like, that is a huge win. It shows how compatible you two are, and probably also both willing to do whatever is needed.
And yes, you do have to pick your battles! Decide in advance how important an issue/chore is to you before bringing it up.
While this no longer applies to me there was a time when it certainly did. The way I handled it was to have both mutual chores and personal chores that were expected to be done weekly on a list. Each person had a cardholder with their name on it and since there were 4 of us in the family (me, my husband, and two sons) there were 4 index cards with chores. Each week the index cards were moved forward to the next cardholder. I had it ordered so that in mutually used areas like the bathroom and kitchen, the rotation went so that one week an adult had that task, the next week son #1, the next week the other adult, and on the last week son #2. I did that so that at least every other week the task would be done well by an adult and on the off week it was done as well as could be expected according to the age and ability of the child. This worked clear up until the children left home
What an innovative approach, Jonda! I love this! It also probably made your sons feel like real, contributing members of the family. Thanks so much for sharing this idea. 🙂
What a valuable conversation you opened here, Seana!
We always worked together in our household. When it was just me and Steve, we shared responsibility for doing certain chores. As the kids grew, they shared in the household workings. And now that we’re empty nesters, it’s just me and Steve doing the chores. However, when the kiddos come home to visit, they jump right in to help.
While Steve and I have had some conversations over the years about who will do what, in truth, it’s been more of an unspoken evolution. One thing we’ve always done is acknowledge when someone has done something —a simple “thank you” or “I really appreciate that you take out the garbage and recycling every week” — goes a long way in making the other person feel positive about their contribution.
I enjoy doing the laundry and would do it without recognition. However, when Steve thanks me for taking care of it or any of the other things I do, it makes me feel good. Some might think it’s not necessary to acknowledge, but it works for us. We don’t take each other for granted. The help we give each other isn’t expected, but very much appreciated.
Love that brought this up, Linda. I think this can differ by family of origin. My father’s family was bit into “thank yous” while my mother’s was not. I could tell this created some hurt feelings as I observed this dynamic as a child. I do think you can never go wrong by acknowledging effort and expressing appreciation. It always makes the other person feel good.
At the same time, if a spouse “chips in” and expects thanks and gratitude for taking care of their responsibility, while at the same time failing to offer the same in return to his/her partner, this can result in bad feelings as well.
At the end of the day, we should perform our tasks because that is how you function as a member of a family unit, and then enjoy whatever thanks may bubble up.
Great tips for mutual chores! I love that you mentioned revisiting the tasks and responsibilities. We set these chores, but forget to revisit them over time. As kids grow older and parents may not be able to do certain chores, it is crucial to review the mutual chores to see how tasks can be redistributed. Doing this review every few years works nicely, unless there is a life-changing event. Thanks for sharing.
I’ve already had a couple of people mention how their long-standing distribution of mutual chores has changed over time. Some have mentioned a health event, and others a change in their schedule. When an external life event hits, the need to reconsider the chores hits you front and center. And still, there may be benefit to having that bi-annual review just to make sure no one is feeling taken advantage of or stressed by the way the labor is being divided.
I’m a singleton, so I don’t have anyone with whom I can share chores, but this would have been a great post when I was in graduate school and I lived with seven other graduate students (two women, 5 guys) in a big, old, creepy Addams Family house.
We did a fairly good job with self-assigning chores so they would actually get done. The goal had been to revisit the chore assignments at the start of each semester, but so many of us found that the assignments we’d taken fit our schedules and styles. One woman, who had very specific sentiments about bathroom cleanliness volunteered to be in charge of the second floor bathroom, possibly judging that none of the men would have done an adequate job. (I was just glad to avoid it.) We rarely had to call anyone out for not carrying his (it was never a “her”) share of the load, but when we did, we raised it as part of house meetings as “X isn’t getting done how/as often/as well as it’s supposed to” and while we all knew who was responsible, we focused on discussing the task, not the person. Except for after atypical events (like a house party), each person was able to tackle the chores without help. Looking back, I’m shocked it went so well.
Your approaches are clear, though I’m not sure most people can keep themselves from criticizing AND redoing the work AND rescuing the person, especially if they are equals (like housemates or spouses). Some people want what they want the way they want it, and while I’m a proponent of having the person who cares more be in charge, with mismatched folks, that might put all the obligation on the person who cares more. (Which is fine for housemates; the person who cares can just move out. But it’s not so fine for couples unless the person who cares less is willing to step up anyway.)
I like the idea of presenting it as assigning, or rotating, or hiring, because a combination of efforts may work, but I’d like to suggest, where possible, making a despised task a group effort. And I don’t meant this like a high school group project, where everyone is responsible and only one person does anything. I mean that if there’s something nobody likes to do, involving everyone SIMULTANEOUSLY in getting it done can lighten the load, lighten the mood, and get it done more quickly.
Great idea to pitch in simultaneously for the despised task. It seems fair, and will get done more quickly. (thanks for the clarification on group project – I was always the one who got stuck doing the work!)
I do think that having the option to renegotiate the assignment of tasks is nice, if you can do it. Many people fall into patterns, and they work well for them (like in your college house). In other cases, one person ends up with an unfair share of the tasks, but never has the chance or courage to bring it up. That hurts the relationship.
Maybe you can’t avoid all of the rescuing, redoing, criticizing, but making the effort is valuable. Again, having a periodic review allows someone to hold their tongue in the moment because they know they will have the floor to bring it up in the future.
Of course, in many relationships, accepting another’s effort, and then redoing it, is often the least adversarial approach. I’m happy to say my husband has upped his game in some of our mutual chores because he wanted to make me happy and, frankly, had just never been taught how to do it “properly.” In long-standing relationships, most couples settle into a pattern of sharing mutual chores, only changing it up when life events render perpetuation of the status quo no longer feasible.